Resetting our Relationships with Perfection

As we celebrate Women’s History Month, it felt essential to reflect on the narratives and experiences that shape the lives of women, particularly Black women. In my work as a psychotherapist, I often encounter a familiar narrative: incredibly talented and driven Black women who appear to have it all together but privately grapple with the fear of impending collapse. They’re tired—exhausted from the relentless pressure to be the steadfast rocks that their colleagues, families, and communities rely on. This weight of perfectionist expectations can feel suffocating, tense, or relentless.

While striving for excellence can initially feel like a motivator, it can also morph into an invisible burden. Perfectionism can bind Black women to lofty, sometimes unrealistic standards, leading to increased worry, chronic stress, and/or burnout. This relentless pursuit makes it challenging to take a break, celebrate successes, or allow space for vulnerability. Over time, it can damage relationships and perpetuate cycles of self-doubt and shame.

The Roots of Perfectionism

• Historical and Cultural Pressures: The expectation to be “twice as good” is deeply ingrained in the experiences of Black women, shaped by generations of resilience in the face of systemic racism and sexism. From a young age, excellence can become a shield against bias and an essential survival strategy.
• Family Dynamics and Expectations: Familial expectations can also cultivate perfectionism. Messages emphasizing strength through achievement can psychologically tie love and acceptance to performance. This mindset can create an internal narrative where any imperfection equates to failure, fostering feelings of inadequacy.
• Daily Microaggressions: The persistent exposure to microaggressions and subtle (or not so subtle) forms of discrimination can also reinforce the need to overachieve. This fear of reinforcing negative stereotypes can trigger a perfectionistic response, compelling individuals to prove their worth through excellence.

Steps to Start Break Free from Perfection 

Letting go of perfectionism is a journey, especially when it’s woven into our identities by history and societal expectations. However, liberation is possible. Here are some actionable steps to start resetting your relationship with perfectionism:

1. Identify Perfectionism in Your Life:
   Reflect on the areas where perfectionism looms large. Is it in your career, relationships, or self-image? Acknowledging these zones can help you begin to challenge those limiting beliefs.
2. Question Unrealistic Standards:
   Are the expectations you set for yourself truly attainable? Are they getting in the way of starting or finishing tasks? Recognize that perfectionism often arises from unattainable ideals. Practice self-compassion by accepting that mistakes are part of the human experience and do not diminish your worth.
3. Prioritize Self-Care and Rest:
   Rest is revolutionary, particularly for those who feel compelled to keep pushing forward. Prioritizing self-care is an act of reclaiming your time and energy. Dedicate time to activities that bring you joy and help rejuvenate your spirit.

By embracing imperfection and allowing ourselves the grace to rest, we can start slowly break free from the burden of perfectionism. Let’s aim to create a community where vulnerability and authenticity are celebrated, paving the way for deeper connections and true resilience.

Ada Umubera, LMSW,  originally published this article in UMOJA Magazine, a respected publication dedicated to reflecting the unique stories, history, and people of our community. To read more great articles, from their publication, please visit www.umojamagazine.com.

References:

Bailey, M. (2010). Misogynoir: The unique experiences of Black women facing racism and sexism. Journal of Intersectional Studies.

Hill, A. P., Mallinson-Howard, S. H., & Jowett, G. E. (2018). Perfectionism in relation to mental health and well-being: A systematic review. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 65(2), 188-202.